Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
