I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You need Xanax blowdarts
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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