How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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