I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
