you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
