Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
