Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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