Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
