Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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