i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
