You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
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