the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
