do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
