that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
