I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize