Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
