it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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