who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
