Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
