I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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