mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
