well I can't set my house on fire every night
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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