Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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