i just wanna soil my oats bro
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
