ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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