Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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