you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i think i just lost a toe
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
