I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
