I feel great
I just peed on a car
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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