fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
