I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
