now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
