kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
