I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
