six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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