I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
