probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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