There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize