The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
