i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
