Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
