have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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