He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
