Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize