if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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