I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
