I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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