So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
