i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
whose parrot is this?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
