dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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