his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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