I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
