After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
