Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
