My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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