went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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