I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
