i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize